Chuckles of the Day




Blind Pilot?

I was flying from San Francisco to San Diego. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.

Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would re-board in 30 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said:

“Keith, we’re in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?”

Keith replied, “No thanks, but maybe my dog Butch would like to stretch his legs.”

All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog!

. . . . . . . The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.

. . . . . . . People scattered.

. . . . . . . They tried to change planes AND airlines!

* * * * * * *

Fun Management Aptitude Test

Management IQ Test Question 1

How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.

This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

Management IQ Test Question 2

How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

The wrong answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the door.

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

Management IQ Test Question 3

The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

The correct answer is: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator.

This tests your memory.

OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions, correctly, you still have one more opportunity to show your abilities.

Management IQ Test Question 4

There is a broad, deep river you must cross. But it is inhabited by hungry crocodiles. How do you manage it?

The correct answer is: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting!

This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to a Leading Management Consulting firm, around 90% of the management professionals they tested got all 4 questions wrong.

(But many preschoolers got several correct answers.)

This conclusively disproves the theory that most management professionals have the brains of a four year old.




 

 

 

 

Chuckles of the Day





Kindergarten Boots

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping Jason Robert, one of her kindergarten students put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost whimpered when Jason Robert said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.” She looked and sure enough, they were.

It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Jason, why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear them today.”

She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, “Now, where are your mittens Jason?”

Jason Robert said, “I stuffed them in the toes of my boots…”

Her trial starts next week . . .

* * * * * * *

Too Much TV for Children

Isn’t it amazing what a child, a toddler, or a kindergartner or first grader will say? They learn from imitating and repeating from what hear from their parents, siblings, friends, and yes, television. TV is a wonderful teacher. Sometimes. Sometimes NOT !

Waiting tables at the local Dew Drop Inn Cafe, we have a regular breakfast crowd. And from time to time we see new faces.

This morning a little boy and his mother came in for breakfast.

“Can I get you some coffee ma’am?”

“Yes, please, with sweetener.”

“And what would you like to eat this morning young man?”

“Tommy, please tell this nice lady what you want to eat for breakfast this morning?”

“Yes, mommy. I WISH TO DEVOUR THE UNBORN!” Tommy announced boisterously.

His mother was very taken back and embarrassed. “Tommy!”

Quietly and with hesitation she looked up at me.

“Eggs. He would like some eggs for breakfast.”





 

 

 

 

Chuckles of the Day




Seeking Financial Advice

A man calls a financial planner seeking some advice and direction.

“Hello, My name is Bob. I’d like to invest some money.”

“Hello Bob, this is Mike. I would be happy to meet you. You say you would like to invest some money. First, to help me better understand your situation, can you tell me where or how you currently have your money invested?”

“Sure Mike. I am currently invested in Credit Cards, Car Loans, Student Loans, and the Lottery. Is that a good place to start?”

* * * * * * *

Texas, California, & Nevada Horse Riders

A Texan, a Californian, and a Nevadan were out riding their horses. The Texan pulled out an expensive bottle of tequila, took a long draught, then another, and then suddenly threw it into the air, pulled out his gun and shot the bottle in midair.

The Californian looked at the Texan and said, “What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!! The Texan replied, “In Texas, there’s plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap.

A while later, not wanted to be outdone, the Californian pulled out a bottle of wine, took a few sips, threw the half full wine bottle into the air, pulled out his gun, and shot it in midair.

The Nevadan couldn’t believe this and said “What the heck you did that for? That was an expensive bottle of wine!”

The Californian replied, “In California there is plenty of wine and bottles are cheap.”

A while later, the Nevadan pulled out a bottle of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. He opened it, took a sip, took another sip, then chugged the rest. He then put the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulled out his gun, turned, and shot the Californian.

The shocked Texan said “Why in the world did you do that?” The Nevadan replied, “Well, in Nevada we have plenty of Californians, and bottles are worth a nickel.”




Chuckles of the Day




Proverbs from First Graders

A first grade teacher presented each of the 25 children in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Imagine the insight to be gained from this class of 6 year old children.

  • Don’t change horses ___ until they stop.
  • Strike while the ___ bug is close.
  • It’s always darkest before ___ Daylight Saving Time.
  • Never underestimate the power of ___ termites.
  • You can lead a horse to water but ___ how?
  • Don’t bite the hand that ___ looks dirty.
  • No news is ___ impossible.
  • A miss is as good as a ___ Mister.
  • You can’t teach an old dog new ___ math.
  • If you lie down with dogs, you’ll ___ stink in the morning.
  • Love all, trust ___ me.
  • The pen is mightier than the ___ pigs.
  • An idle mind is ___ the best way to relax.
  • Where there’s smoke there’s ___ pollution.
  • Happy the bride who ___ gets all the presents.
  • A penny saved is ___ not much.
  • Two’s company, three’s ___ the Musketeers
  • Don’t put off till tomorrow what ___ you put on to go to bed.
  • Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ___ you have to blow your nose.
  • There are none so blind as ___ Stevie Wonder.
  • Children should be seen and not ___ spanked or grounded.
  • If at first you don’t succeed ___ get new batteries.
  • You get out of something only what you ___ see in the picture on the box.
  • When the blind lead the blind ___ get out of the way.
  • And the WINNER is: Better late than ___ pregnant.

* * * * * * *

Smartest?

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and then he bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said “I’m a doctor, I save lives, so I must live,” and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, “I’m a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live.” He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, “My son, I’ve lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace.”

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, “Not to worry, Father. The ‘smartest man in the world’ just took off with my back pack!”




 

 

 

 

Chuckles of the Day




Pastoral Hospital Visit

Elder Jackson is in the hospital and his good friend and pastor comes to visit him.

The pastor realizes how serious his condition must be with all the medical equipment attached to the elder.

He kneels down next to Elder Jackson’s bed to pray for him.

Upon doing so, the elder begins waving a worn hand at him, and makes a motion toward the pen and writing pad on the nearby nightstand.

The pastor reaches for the pen and pad and hands it to his friend, who immediately begins writing furiously.

But suddenly, he passes away. He dies without being able to finish his note.

At the funeral for his friend, the pastor tells the family and friends:

“I was blessed to know him, and to be with him at the moment of his death. As a matter of fact, I have his last thoughts with me, written by his own hand.”

The pastor begins reading the paper for the first time:

“Please get up now Pastor!!! You are kneeling on my oxygen hose!!!”

* * * * * * *

Where is God?

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved.

The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons’ behavior. The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman.

The husband said, ‘We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!’ The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8 year old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly,’Where is God?’

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, ‘Where is God?’ Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face, ‘WHERE IS GOD?’

At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming himself in the closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and asked what had happened. The younger brother replied, ‘We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it.’