Chuckles of the Day





The Wall Street man was standing at the curb when a friend from his old home town, whom he had not seen in years, approached. They embraced but the friend seemed mighty serious.

“I’m awful sorry to tell you this,” said the visitor, “but your old and dear Aunt Cecily is in jail”

“Glad you told me,” said the broker. “it is good to hear she’s provided for.”

* * * * * * *

Sister had a problem.

“Father,” she said. “Who should I marry? Handsome Percy or Steady Sam?”

“Sam.”

“Why?”

“I’ve been borrowing money from him for the last six months and he still comes to see you twice a week.”

* * * * * * *

The rich, old, dying man called his lawyer to him for the purpose of disposing of his worldly goods.

“How many children have you?” the layer asked.

“That, sir,” said the old-timer, “will be decided by the court when my will is contested.”




Chuckles of the Day



One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws.

At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, “Tonight, I’m the Designated Decoy.”

* * * * * * *

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs,they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day.

Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been “called home to glory” following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.

Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw on the computer screen…


To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I’ve Arrived!

I’ve just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!




Chuckles of the Day




Betty felt like her body had gotten totally out of shape, so she got her doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.

She decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. After her first session, her friend Alice asked how it went.

Betty said, “I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over.”

* * * * * * *

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, “You were always so organized in school, Did you manage to live a well planned life?”

“Yes,” said her friend. “My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I’m married to an undertaker.”

Her friend asked, “What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?”

“One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”

* * * * * * *

If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you are old.




Chuckles of the Day




A woman went to the doctors office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out and ran down the hall screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and said, “Does she still have the hiccups?”

* * * * * * *

Father O’Neal answers the phone.

“Hello, is this Father O’Neal?”

“It tis!”

“This is the IRS. Can you help us?”

“I can!”

“Do you know a Sean Flanders?”

“I do!”

“Is he a member of your congregation?”

“He is!”

“Did he donate $10,000 to the church?”

“He will!”




Chuckles of the Day




Two guys were discussing their aging wives. One was quite sure his wife was going deaf. The other guy gave him a suggestion to test her hearing. “Here’s what you do.

Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response”.

So, that evening, she’s in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he’s in the living room, and he says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens”.

“Honey, what’s for supper?” No response. So, he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. “Honey, what’s for supper?” No response.

So, he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. “Honey, what’s for supper?” No response.

On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. “Honey, what’s for supper? “No response. So, he walks right up behind her.

“Honey, what’s for supper?”

“FOR THE FIFTH TIME, CHICKEN!!”

* * * * * * *

After examining his seventy-five year old patient, the doctor said, “You’re in remarkable shape for a man your age.”

“Yes, I know,” said the old gentleman. “I have only one complaint. My sex drive is too high. Is there anything you can do for that, Doc?”

“Your what?!” gasped the doctor.

“My sex drive,” said the old man. “It’s too high, and I’d like to have you lower it if you can.”

“Lower it?!” the doctor exclaimed, still unable to believe what the seventy- five year old gentleman was saying. “Just what do you consider ‘high’?”

“These days it seems like it’s all in my head, Doc,” said the old man, “and I’d like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can.”