Chuckles of the Day




The Maid

“Hey, Mom,” asked little Johnny, “can you give me twenty dollars?”

“Certainly not,” she said.

“If you do,” he went on, “I’ll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop.

” His mother’s ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money.

“Well? What did he say?”

“He said, ‘Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.'”

* * * * * * *

Cashing Out

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser. Just before he died, he said to his wife, “When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.”

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

When he died and was stretched out in the casket, his wife sat there in black with her friend sitting next to her. When the ceremony was finished, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait just a minute!”

She had a box with her, and put it iton the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

So her friend said, “Girl, I know you weren’t fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.”

The loyal wife replied, “Listen, I’m a Christian, I can’t go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”

“You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?”

“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it.”




Chuckles of the Day

Chuckles of the Day




The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early- morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”

(P.S. Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.)

* * * * * * *

A Stone to Remember

A woman’s husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left.

The friend says, “How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How in the world could you be broke already?”

The widow says, “Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That was $500 and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone.”

The friend says, “$12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?”

The widow holds up her hand, saying, “Only three carats…”




Chuckles of the Day




Grandma

Grandma offers to take teenage granddaughter to lunch on Saturday. They agree to meet at a restaurant.

When granddaughter shows up she is obviously wearing no underwear.

Grandma says, “Dear, you appear to have forgotten your undergarment!”

Granddaughter says,” No Grandma, it is a fashion statement and I want everyone to see my rosebuds!”

A little while later Grandma excuses herself and goes to powder her nose.

When she returns, Granddaughter exclaims, “Grandma what happened to your underwear?”

Grandma says, “Oh I want to show off my hanging baskets!”.

* * * * * * *

God

A young woman brings her fiance home to meet her parents.

After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man, so the father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.

“So what are your plans?” the father asks the young man.

“I am a Torah scholar,” he replies.

“A Torah scholar. Hmmm,” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she’s accustomed to?”

“I will study,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”

“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father.

“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide for us.”

“And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?”

“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiance.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that G-d will provide.

Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, Honey?” and the father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”

* * * * * * *

Young Wife

A 60 year old man was having coffee with his 70 year old friend who had just married a 25 year old.

“Your wife must be great in bed”, he said.

“No, not really,” replied the older man.

“Then she must be a great cook and housekeeper.”

“No she’s not much for that, either, said the married man.”

“Then why did you marry her?”

“Because she drives at night.”




Chuckles of the Day




Things my mother taught me . . . . . .

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.

My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

My mother taught me LOGIC.
“Because I said so, that’s why…..”

My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
‘If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

My mother taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

My mother taught me about STAMINA.
‘You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”

My mother taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”

My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it when you get home!”

My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way.”

My mother taught me HUMOR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”

My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

My mother taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

And my favorite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”





Chuckles of the Day





When Insults Had Class

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
– Winston Churchill

“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.”
– Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
– Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
– William Faulkner (regarding Ernest Hemingway)

* * * * * * *

One-liners from Comedians

There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?” The man says, “I make a good living.”

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!

What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love? “Honey, I’m home!”

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.