Chuckles of the Day


 


Doctor’s Office

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant. “Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow but don’t want to close the clinic I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.”

“Yes, sir!” answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks, “So, Murphy, how was your day?”

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.

“The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.”

“Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?” asks the doctor.

“The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir” Says Murphy.

“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” asks the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: ‘HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!’“

“Tunderin” lard Murphy, what did you do?” asks the doctor.

“I put drops in her eyes!”

* * * * * * *

Mother

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex…

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms..

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, ‘Oh Mom! You don’t have to worry about that! I’m dating Susan!’



Chuckles of the Day

 


Doctor

The man went to see his doctor because he was feeling under the weather.

The doctor asked the usual question such as had the man been drinking or eating too much.

“No,” said the man.

“Well, perhaps you have had too many late nights” queried the doctor.

“No,” the man replied.

The doctor thought about the problem for a while and then asked “much sex?”

“Infrequently,” came the reply.

“Is that two words or one?”

* * * * * * *

A woman went to her doctor to complain that her husband’s sexual feelings for her seemed to have declined.

The doctor, being an old friend of the family, gave the woman some pills to slip into her husband’s tea so that at least the man wouldn’t get a complex about being a bit under-powered.

Two days later, the woman was back in the doctor’s office.

“What happened?” asked the doctor. “Did the pills work?”

“Fantastic!” replied the woman. “I was so eager to see their effects on my husband that I tipped three of them into a cup of coffee and, within seconds of drinking it, he got up, kicked over the table and pulled me down on to the floor and ravished me.”

“Oh!” said the doctor. “I hope you weren’t too surprised.”

“Surprised?” said the woman. “I’ll never be able to set foot in that restaurant again . . . .”


Chuckles of the Day



 


Grey Hair

Angela’s mother was looking in the mirror and plucking out the few grey hairs which she found in her head.

“Mommy, why do you have some grey hair?” inquired Angela.

“Probably because you’re such a naughty girl and cause me so much worry.”

“Oh!” said Angela. “You must have been devil towards grandmother.”

* * * * * * *

Doctors

Two doctors in the U.S. were talking.

1st doctor: “Why did you perform that operation on Mrs. Weitzman?”

2nd doctor: “Ten thousands dollars.”

1st doctor: “No. Perhaps you did’nt hear me correctly. What did Mrs. Weitzman have?”

2nd doctor: “Ten thousand dollars.”



Chuckles of the Day


 

Social Distancing

 

AAADD – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

I decide to wash the car. I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table. OK, I’m going to wash the car…but first, I’m going to go through the mail.

I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail…and notice the trash can is full. OK, I’ll just put the bills on the desk and take the trash out, but since I’m going to be near the mailbox anyway, I’ll pay these few bills first.

Now where is the checkbook? Oops…there’s only one check left. My extra checks are in the desk. As I start looking for the checks, I see the coke I was drinking sitting on the desk…I’m going to look for those checks…

But first I need to put my coke further away from the computer… oh, maybe I’ll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for a while… I head toward the kitchen and the plants catch my eye, they need some water… I set the coke on the counter and uh oh! There’s my glasses… I was looking for them all morning! I’m pretty sure I really don’t have age activated attention deficit disorder.

I’d better put the glasses away first. I fill a container with water and head for the flowerpots. Aaaaaagh! Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We’ll never think to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television so I’d better put it back in the family room where it belongs.

I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor, I throw the remote onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do…!!??!! And it’s NOT an aging disorder, or deficit, or anything like that, I think.

It’s the end of the day: The car isn’t washed, the bills are unpaid, the coke is sitting on the kitchen counter, flowers are half watered, the checkbook still only has one check in it and I can’t seem to find my car keys!

When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I’m baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!!! I realize this Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder is a serious condition and I’d better get help, BUT FIRST I think I’ll check my e-mail…

* * * * * * *

Art Critics

Art Critic 1: ‘1 think the neo-Plasticism of the abtract design proves the mystical, metaphysical and non-humanistic approach to the objective concept of abstraction.’

Art Critic 2: ‘Yes, you have a point there! In fact, it’s obvious even from a casual glance that this painting was created by paranoiac-critical activity, brought about by spontaneous dynamic sensations, sometimes made by somnabulistically inclined campanologists, who create a picture of transcendental non-curvilinear and curvilinear objects expressing subjective feelings in a cubistic manner.’

Art Critic 3: ‘1 fully agree with you both – it’s a rubbishy painting!’



Chuckles of the Day




 

One Day Wonder

Can you believe I lasted less than a day as a retail store greeter?

A few hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman came into the store with her two children, yelling at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly,

‘Good morning, and welcome. Nice children you have there; are they twins?’

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, ‘Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s nine, and the other one’s seven. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?’

So I replied, ‘I’m neither blind nor stupid, ma’am, I just couldn’t believe someone would make a baby with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.’

The HR department said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.

* * * * * * *

Times Change and Then They Don’t

1972: Long hair
2020: Longing for hair

1972: The perfect high
2020: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1972: KEG
2020: EKG

1972: Acid rock
2020: Acid reflux

1972: Moving to California because it’s cool
2020: Moving to California because it’s warm

1972: Growing pot
2020: Growing pot belly

1972: Going to a new, hip joint
2020: Receiving a new hip joint

1972: Rolling Stones
2020: Kidney Stones

1972: Disco
2020: Costco

1972: Passing the drivers’ test
2020: Passing the vision test

1972: Whatever
2020: Depends