Chuckles of the Day





Several women appeared in Magistrate’s Court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived.

The Judge, with Solomon-like wisdom, said, “I’ll hear the oldest of you first.”

The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.

* * * * * * *

The old guy was beginning to suspect that his old wife was getting hard of hearing so he sneaked up behind her and quietly, and said “Honey can you hear me?”

No answer.

A little louder he said, “Honey can you hear me?”

Nothing. So very loudly he says, “HONEY CAN YOU HEAR ME?”

She turns around and says, “For the third time YES”.

* * * * * * *

Grandma and Grandpa were sitting on their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about “the good old days”.

Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, “Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?”

Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.

With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther.

“Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?”

Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, “Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you kind of nibble on my ear?”

Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house.

Alarmed, Grandma said, “Honey, where are you going?

Grandpa replied, “To get my teeth!”




Chuckles of the Day




Speeding Excuse

A fellow bought a new Corvette and was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down and the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, so he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

“There ain’t no way they can catch a Corvette,” he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100, 130 and finally 150 with the light still behind him.

“What in the heck am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

“I’ve had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don’t feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before you can go!”

“Last week my wife ran off with a cop,” the man said, “and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”

“Move along,” said the officer.

* * * * * * *

Husband and Wife

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”

“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, ‘What did the doctor say?”

“You’re going to die,” she replied.




Chuckles of the Day




Birthday Wish

A man asked his wife, “What would you most like for your birthday?”

She said, “I’d love to be ten again.”

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park–the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything.

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.

Into McDonalds they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a theater to see Star Wars”-more burgers, popcorn, cola and sweets.

At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being ten again!”

One eye opened and she groaned, “Actually I meant dress size 10.”

* * * * * * *

Elderly Couple

A guy was invited to some old friends’ home for dinner.

His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years.

While the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, “I think it’s wonderful that after all the years you’ve been married, you still call your wife those pet names”.

His buddy hung his head. “To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago.”




Chuckles of the Day





Drinking Again

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’d crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting, “SO YOU’VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!”

Putting on an innocent look, intent on bluffing it out he said, “What makes you say that?”

“The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again.”

* * * * * * *

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

– Carrie Snow

* * * * * * *

Super Bowl

A man received a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company.

Unfortunately, when he arrived at the stadium he realized the seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium…….closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field!

About halfway through the first quarter he notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?”

The man replies “No”.

“This is incredible!” Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?”

The man replies, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been together since we got married in 1967.”

“That’s terribly sad. But still, couldn’t you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?”

“No,” the man replied, “They’re all at the funeral.”




Chuckles of the Day





Marriage Proposal

There were two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another.

As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”

After about six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered. “Yes. Yes, I will.”

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. “Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?” He couldn’t remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.

With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”

He was delighted to hear her say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.”

Then she continued, “And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”

* * * * * * *

Senior Discount

The minister announced that admission to the next church social would be $6 per person.

“However, if you’re over 65, the price would be only $5.50,” the minister said.

From the back of the church a woman’s voice rang out, “Do you really think I’d give out that information for only 50 cents?”